After my conversation with the social worker, Jim and I had the "do you want kids" conversation. Truth be told, having children was not on the radar, or even a blip on the edge of the radar screen for the two of us. For me, I had been somewhat open minded that if I ever met someone who had a child(ren) that it wouldn't be an automatic "no" to dating them...but, truth-be-told, I wasn't seeking out someone who really fit that profile either. Additionally, being a gay man and approaching my mid-forties I felt that my "biological clock" had come to a screeching halt and my days of parenthood had faded away. But when it involves your immediate family the perspective shifts. This isn't directed at my sister and her personal predicament, but rather for the two young children, who by no fault of their own, have had their lives and any sense of stability and normalcy quickly derailed. For me, it was important to remain open-minded and not be too quick to make a decision one way or another. I needed to do some soul searching, gather the facts, and talk to some people. Maybe there was a reason why I was living directly across the street from an elementary school. In all the places I've lived, and there have been quite a few, I have never been in such close proximity to a school...maybe it was a sign?!
As more time went by, Jim and I had the opportunity to discuss this important topic on several occasions...at the dining room table, in the pool, over a glass of wine, or whenever we would hear a screaming/crying child in the grocery store or at Target! We could never come up with a valid reason for not stepping in and being considered as foster/adoptive parents. Granted, our relationship was relatively new at this point (we had been dating for about 3 months), but we had a 9 year history between us, and we are, without a doubt, both relationship oriented and already very committed to one another! But were we family and kid oriented??? This would certainly bring an abundance of change, not only to our relationship, but also as individuals. Now just because I'm using the word "change" doesn't mean it's a bad thing...quite the contrary. It would be a change unlike anything either one of us ever thought we would experience in our lives...the opportunity to build a family with two young children, and to provide them with a stable and loving environment, which they deserve to have in their lives...just as every child deserves to have that.
But growing up as a gay man the idea of having a family is something that was held off way in the distance...practically non-existent. This is partly because society dictates (and most religions) that a family is to only be created between a man and a woman, and nurtured by a father and a mother. Jim and I are both products of divorces and have subsequently been raised by a single parent, or have been bounced back and forth between parents. Then there is the re-marriage and step-siblings and/or half-siblings that get folded into the family dynamic. But wait a minute, there are parents that don't even get married, or before the child is born there is only one parent while the other is absent indefinitely. Twenty five to thirty years ago there weren't any gay family role models for a pubescent, voice cracking, and sexually confused fourteen year old. We didn't have a Will & Grace back then, and everyone was led to believe that Liberace and Elton John were bisexual...give me a break! So, times have definitely changed, and having same-sexed parents is not that unusual anymore. Rosie O'Donnell and her spouse, Kelli, have an entire business, R Family Vacations that caters to same-sex parental families, and their friends and families, for cruises and events. Yes, it's a different world out there, but there is still room for a lot of improvements, such as legalizing gay marriage and allowing single gays and lesbians, as well as same-sex couples to adopt children in EVERY state! What seems to be forgotten in this debate is what is best for the child(ren). I think it's pretty simple...they want to feel safe and secure, they desire stability, and crave loving parent(s). Having two moms or two dads should be considered a bonus!
At this point it's safe to assume that we decided to go forward with the process...but we wanted to meet the kids first!
--Thomas
No comments:
Post a Comment