A Snapshot of Everyday Life

It's been a very LONG time (VERY!) since I've posted to our blog. So, to get things going again I'm posting an e-mail I recently sent to our social workers in northern Nevada that provides just a little snapshot of everyday life in our home. Enjoy!

E-mail dated September 13, 2010

Saturday night we went to a BBQ where there was probably about two dozen guests…Ronald and Angelica were the only kids. Aside from Angelica grabbing handfuls of pretzels and cashews, both of them were extremely well behaved, without Jim and I having to keep tabs on them very much (or as much as usual). Everyone at the BBQ thought they were delightful children (I know, a first time for everything!). However, just before the turkey burgers hit the grill Angelica had a brawl with a barrel cactus (a big, round, low-to-the ground cactus with medium-sized needles).

She was in an area where we could see her clearly, but we weren’t able to see the villainous cactus. As only Angelica can do, on occasion, she managed to fall while innocently standing, and her lower leg, unbeknownst to us, landed on the cactus. But it soon became apparent (still a slight delay in her reactions) from her screaming and tears that something was more serious.

I went running over towards her and this little girl fell into my arms very upset and trembling from her experience. She ended up with a couple of cactus needles in her leg, which Jim easily pulled out, and there was some blood. The host quickly supplied us with some antiseptic and a BIG band-aid. As soon as the band-aid went on she was totally fine (it’s all about the band-aids!). During all of this Ronald was the best big brother you could imagine. He remained at Angelica’s side, and at one point held her hand, and kept telling her that everything would be okay. We praised him up and down for being such a good big brother to Angelica!!!

Once Angelica calmed down I thought it would be good if she faced her culprit! At first she didn’t want to go, but I convinced her that the cactus had been bad and we had to say something to it. So, I held her hand and we walked over to it and I said, “Bad cactus for hurting Angelica!” Both she and Ronald echoed my sentiments with, “Bad cactus! Bad cactus!” Then, at least 7-8 more times Angelica went over on her own to scold the cactus even further, as only Angelica can do, and then proceeded to put the other nearby cactuses on warning! It ended up being quite hysterical. She’s been running around and being her normal self yesterday and this morning. Of course, the moment you ask her how her leg is the actress in her comes out, “Oh, my leg hurts…my owies!” She has some tiny little bumps on her shin from the bad cactus needles, but she is just fine otherwise!

After the BBQ we were driving home and from the backseat we hear Ronald spell, G-A-Y (he’s really into reciting letters he sees in all sorts of places). Turns out we had passed a big billboard that was advertising the local Gay Yellow Pages! First it was the “gay bar” (skate park) and now it’s spelling the word “gay.” Hmmmmmm, he must be figuring out this two daddy thing rather quickly!

On Sunday morning we went to a brunch at the Hyatt hotel in downtown Palm Springs. Jim received a scholarship from a local organization and they had a brunch to honor the recipients. We tried to secure a babysitter but the two people we normally use weren’t available. So, we dressed the kids up and brought them along with us…I know, I know risky on our parts! The mayor of Palm Springs was even there (he’s running for a congressional seat), who is a somewhat closeted gay man with two children. Outside of Angelica dropping some scrambled eggs and sausage on the floor (we should have brought Humphrey with us!) they both behaved extremely well. Again, they were the only children in the room amongst fifty or so adults. This was a tougher environment compared to the BBQ the night before (minus the cactus) because it was a lot of sitting and listening to people speak, but they both came through exceptionally well. I lost count of the number of people who came up to us to say how well behaved our children were, and how they would never have dreamed of bringing their own kids to something like this knowing they wouldn’t be able to behave themselves, etc… Jim and I made sure we praised them throughout the event (we were there for a total of 2 hours), and continued praising them the rest of the day as well, partly out of shock on our parts, but they also earned it…BIG time!!! It was a very pleasurable event, and I’m glad it all turned out the way it did so we could have that family time together.

Now onto something that I know you’ve been waiting for…The Potty Express!

We continue to make good progress with both Angelica and Ronald, but Angelica has been the true success story recently. For the past week and a half Angelica has been doing ALL of her poops in the potty, and she makes sure to tell someone (if at home she tells me or Jim, at daycare she tells one of the adults) that she has to go poop in the potty, and then she goes and does it!

Last week I got them both home from daycare and the normal routine is to go potty then wash hands. When it was Ronald’s turn to go I asked him if he had gone poop today and he answered honestly with “no poop!” I asked him to work on going poop because it’s important to poop every day. I left him alone in the bathroom and before a minute went by I hear, “Daddy Thomas, I went poop!!!” (music to my ears!) So I go in there thinking I’ll find a poop the size of a golf ball (which is normal), but instead was greeted with, “Daddy Thomas, look, look, a BIG poop!” And sure enough there was a gi-normous poop that was right up there with Humphrey! (I can’t believe how freely I’m writing about all of this!!!). Given my state of disbelief I was a little slow with the honorary high-five. Thankfully Ronald chimed in with, “I want a high-five for my big poop, Daddy Thomas!” I think I gave him a high-twenty-five by the time we were done. Then Ronald said, “I want a high-five from Angelica!” So we quickly got him cleaned up, pull-ups and shorts back on, washed his hands, and left the bedroom to find Angelica. She met us halfway and said, “You did a big poop?” And Ronald said, “Yeah, I made a BIG poop! I want a high-five Angelica.” Ronald got his high-five, but then Angelica said, “I want to give hug!” So they hugged each other, then gave a kiss, which was promptly followed by Ronald saying “Yuck!” and wiping his mouth with his arm. Then Angelica said, “You want to play with me?” And Ronald responded with, “Yes, I want to play with Angelica!” They went off to their play area together, skipping and holding hands (okay, maybe not skipping and holding hands…LOL!), and played nicely with each other for a good 15-20 minutes! Who would have thought that a BIG poop would result in such a special and spontaneous moment!

All day yesterday I was expecting Angelica to poop. She didn’t go on Saturday so I knew there was something on the horizon (oh, the little details I now keep track of in my mind). Jim and I would check in with her throughout the day…”Angelica, do you have to go poop?” She would respond with a simple, “No.” As the day went on the farts started to creep out, followed by giggles and Angelica saying “Me farted!” History has proven that a poop was in the making (again with the crazy details…ugh!). Ironically, she and I were out shopping for some “big girl” underwear (she’ll start wearing them at school this week, and already wears them at daycare…she insists on it!) and I was starting to get a little paranoid because the farts were coming more frequently (and lingering) and I didn’t bring the backpack with all of the wipes and extra pull-ups, etc. (I know, living on the edge). “Angelica, did you go poop?” She would respond casually with, “No. No poop.” Being somewhat skeptical I would ask again, “Are you sure you didn’t go poop in your pull-up?” She would quickly retort with, “I said no!” (Translation…what part of “no” didn’t you understand?!).

Well, we made it home without incident and I asked her to go potty and to try and make a poop. “No poop!” I didn’t dare question her. But not ten minutes later, I’m sitting on the sofa in the living room and Angelica comes up to me and says to me softly, “Daddy Thomas, I poop in the potty.” Not sure of what she said I responded with, “What did you say, sweetie?” Now she is pointing in the direction of their bathroom and says, “I go poop in potty!” “Oh, you have to go poop in the potty? Okay, let’s go!” And off we went. She got situated on the toilet and I left her alone, thinking little Miss Independence would want some privacy. Not ninety seconds later, she comes running out to the living room, butt naked, saying “Daddy Thomas, I go poop!” So we all go in there, including Humphrey, to checkout her impressive poop. Humphrey sort of gave a look of, “I’ve done better!” but he was still excited! And Ronald was the first to offer up a high-five and congratulate Angelica, who was busy jumping up and down and saying, “You happy? You proud of me?!” to both me and Jim. Then, Ronald had to get on the bandwagon and say, “I’m going to do a big poop just like Angelica.” He couldn’t get his shorts and pull-ups off fast enough. Nothing like some healthy sibling rivalry! Unfortunately Ronald’s Whopper-sized poops (you may never be able to eat another Whopper chocolate candy milk ball in your life now…so sorry!) was no competition!

Thomas L-L 10/11/10

Catching Up - Part 3

I'm back...finally! So much for the statement at the beginning of my last blog entry about posting at least once a week. But I have a good reason, actually two, that will give you a little insight...Jim and I have had the kids for almost four months now! Yes, they've been placed with us permanently, so as you might imagine life has been turned upside down, sideways, and even inverted at times. As I begin to write this entry, the kids are sitting on the sofa watching Sesame Street! At least we were able to ween them from Sponge Bob...that theme song was stuck in my head for weeks. And I thought Miley Cyrus was bad. As one Facebook friend put it, "at least it's not the theme song from Barney!"

My goal is to get everyone caught up on the happenings in the Lister-Looker household within the next two to three blog entries...but please don't hold your breath because I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting brain damage. And we're off...

Home Visit
As soon as Jim and I got back from Reno we went into "we have to get the house ready mode," and pronto! Everything had been pretty much child proofed in the house, at least as much as we could without the two little ones scurrying around, but we needed supplies. Our goal was to have the basics in place for the three nights they would be with us, and during that time figure out what we were missing. My very good friend Christina, from the L.A. area, offered to come down one weekend and help us shop for the necessities, which we couldn't pass up. She arrived with a car load of items...hangers, toy storage bins, kiddie dishes, cups, and utensils, bubble bath, shampoo, band-aids, toothpaste and toothbrushes...you get the idea. She basically assembled a parent starter kit for us, minus the Vicodin and case of wine.

A few days prior to Christina's visit Jim and I had purchased the bedroom set for the kids, which was scheduled for delivery the following week. So one of the first things we needed to get was bedding for the kids. We hit Marshall's, Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond (we purposely bypassed WalMart). I'll just sum up our shopping trip this way...what did we ever do before Target?!?! I had no idea there were so many aisles dedicated to children, with one and a half aisles dedicated just to diapers, which we needed. On previous trips to Target I was aware of this area in the middle of the store where shoppers would venture into, usually begrudgingly, with little people in tow, especially the men! Back in the day there was never a reason for me to step foot into the children's department...now I'm in there all the time. And I think they should change the department name to something like, "I Want That!" or "Is That For Me?" or "Look, But Don't Touch." And the mucky-mucks at Target, if you're reading this, please make the aisles wider, especially in the shoe department...thank you!

The home visit with the kids couldn't have gone better. They were both excited to see the two of us (a good sign) and I think had a tough time returning back to Reno. While they were with us we celebrated Angelica's third birthday and visited our local zoo, The Living Desert...an excellent family destination!

When the time came for them to go back to their foster home I flew with them out of the Ontario airport to Reno via Southwest. They both love to fly on airplanes and are fascinated with airports. Even when we would hit some turbulence their eyes would get big, they would smile or laugh and say, "Yay bumpy," while I was white knuckling the arm rests. Their foster mom met us at the Reno airport and immediately I saw both of them become deflated. This is nothing against their foster home in Reno, but clearly they had started to bond with me and Jim, and Humphrey, and wanted to be with us. At that moment it was difficult to watch them walk away, but I knew they would be with us permanently in two weeks.

Permanent Placement - Here They Come!
But two weeks turned into one week due to the children being removed from their foster home and placed into a kids shelter. Once we were informed of this move Jim and I made the decision to have the children come down sooner, which their social workers agreed to. So, on Monday, January 25, 2010 is when Ronald and Angelica were officially and permanently placed in our home...yay! But they came down with nasty colds, which wasn't fun for any of us, especially since Jim and I ended up getting sick as well. I guess that was our official welcome to parenthood.

Earlier in the month we got the kids enrolled in pre-school so the day after they arrived I was already driving them to and from school...just for the first week. We thought as part of the overall transition it would be better if I drove them to school instead of taking the school bus. Ronald previously attended pre-school in Nevada, but this was Angelica's first time, so we thought it was important to ease into the transition.

Our first month together was spent establishing routines and structure for them, figuring out what worked and what didn't, and making sure we were establishing ourselves as the ones with the parental authority, rather than the other way around. Initially there was some testing and crankiness going on from Ronald, which could have been attributed to him not feeling well. But after about a week he started to come around and seemed to get the concept that whatever Jim and I would say would happen, good, bad or indifferent, was indeed going to happen. On the other hand, Angelica was very compliant with everything, which again could have been attributed to her not feeling well. But fear not, eventually she started digging through her behavioral tool box and was hitting us with everything she had, mostly the bad and indifferent with very little good stuff coming our way.

During all of this (the home visit and the permanent placement) Humphrey was amazing with the kids! At first I thought he would be jealous of having additional members added to the "pack," but from day one he has been very affectionate, lovable, and playful. After Ronald and Angelica went back to Reno from their home visit Humphrey would go around the house looking for them! In the beginning Ronald would call Humphrey "Humpy" while Angelica would say "puppy." Now Ronald can say "Humphrey" while Angelica says "Humpy." But truth be told, it doesn't really matter what they call him...he hears their voices and comes running (sometimes galloping)! He's also come in very handy after meal time to help pick up all of the food that inevitably gets dropped onto the rug under their table.

Making It Legal - We Do!
After the children had been with us for a month it was time to send them back to Reno. Not back to live, but for a scheduled visit with their mom. Plus during this time is when Jim and I traveled up to the northwest to get married in Victoria, BC!!! This is how the travel scheduled unfolded. On Wednesday I drove the kids to Ontario airport to meet a social worker from Reno who flew down to pick them up and fly them back. Thursday morning Jim and I flew up to Seattle where we stayed overnight. Then very early Friday morning we took a ferry from Seattle to Victoria, BC.

We celebrated Jim's 40th birthday that night with family and friends, then the next day we got married at noon, had a lunch reception afterwards, then hopped on the ferry to take us back to Seattle. The next day we drove down to Olympia for a 40th birthday/wedding reception with Jim's family (now my in-laws). Afterwards we drove back to Seattle and were on a 7:05am flight the following day back to our home. This puts us at Monday. The very next day I drove to Ontario airport and flew up to Reno to pick up the children and bring them back home. At this point, as you can imagine, I was done with planes, airport terminals, and little bags of pretzels. Oh, but wait, there's more...

When I arrived in the designated meeting area I see the children right away along with their social worker, the county therapist, and the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)...the children are in the midst of creating complete chaos. They are in "performance" mode because there are four adults who's attention they are competing for, and they are doing everything and anything to try and get it. Angelica is crawling on the floor like a baby and Ronald is bouncing around from one person to another, and is trying to strike up conversations with complete strangers. Another distraction is the flashing lights and obnoxious sounds coming from the nearby slot machines, which are viewed by the children as toys or an apparatus to climb on. Neither child has demonstrated that they can sit still for more than five seconds. It's no wonder I feel like I've just fallen down the ADHD rabbit hole.

When it's finally time to say our good-byes we head upstairs to go through airport security, which I'm not a huge fan of anyway, let alone trying to corral two young children who are literally bouncing off of anything that will give them traction. And I should mention that I'm also juggling several backpacks and some luggage while trying to get all three of us moving in the same direction. So when you factor in the backpacks, luggage, coats and shoes, along with two little ones who are in desperate need of some downers, you end up with a lot to get through the scanners and metal detectors. At this point I'm beginning to question my parental skills...or at the very least my ability to corral kittens. At least neither of the kids has scratched me...yet! We eventually make it through airport security. What a relief to know that neither child is hiding a bomb or carrying weapons in their Garanimal shoes! (Note to self...be sure to allow at least five extra minutes to get everyone's shoes back on after airport screening.)

We make our way to the gate, and as fate would have it we're departing from one of the last gates in the terminal. It's not so much the distance, but rather the abundance of slot machines, yet again, with their flashing lights and ringing bells (this is Reno after all) that we have to pass by. And by "we" I don't mean harnessing my own desire to throw in a few quarters (I lived in Reno for nine years so slot machines do nothing for me), but to get the kids past all the bells and whistles and flashing lights. One of them did take a dive onto the carpet due to the evil distractions of a slot machine!

We arrive at the gate and I see all of the Southwest passengers lined up like cattle (I know this description is overused when it comes to Southwest, but bare with me). I think to myself, "there is no way I'm waiting in that line with these two!" I quickly make eye contact with the gate agent, and before I even know what I'm saying I find myself playing the "special needs" card..."I have two young children with special needs and I have to pre-board the plane." I feel every pair of cattle eyes on me (there might have even been a disgruntled "moo" in there somewhere). They are either jealous of the bull balls I have to cut in line, or are relieved that I'm not subjecting them to my current frustrations, also known as Ronald and Angelica. We board the plane and once I get them strapped into their seats they begin to calm down.

A few rows in front of us is a toddler who is in the midst of a major tantrum in her seat. Both of them are saying, "baby crying, baby upset." It's in this moment that I feel sympathy for the parent of this little toddler (just months ago I would have been annoyed), but I'm also thankful that neither of mine are screaming and crying at the top of their lungs. I guess when it comes to parenting there is always a brighter side, even if it's at the expense of another parent's struggle. I'm digging my heals in, but it's no use, I'm becoming a member of the "parenting club" of I share in your pain and you share in mine. Because either I've been there already and I know what you're going through, or a similar experience is undoubtedly coming my way. Regardless, at some point I'll find myself icing two dozen cupcakes at 9:30pm, so they can be delivered to school the next day, and I'll be thinking to myself, "how did I get here?!" And then, in a moment of mischievousness, I'll realize that all of these little kids will be sent home with a sugar rush and will be bouncing off the walls. Maybe these cupcakes need even more frosting!

But I digress...

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful, so long as their seat belts were securely fastened. Once we landed in Ontario airport, and I got them into their car seats, it wasn't long after that they both fell asleep on the ride home. Finally some peace and quiet, albeit short-lived in the grand scheme of things. But driving back home, with the little ones asleep, did give me time to realize how happy I was to have them safely back home with us. And when I finally pulled into the driveway and my husband (I love saying that now), along with Humphrey, came out of the house to greet us, there was no doubt that I, that WE, were home.

That evening as we all went to bed something felt different. It wasn't two recently married men falling asleep together, or two young children snuggling under the covers in their very own beds, or a loving dog curled up and breathing a notable sigh of relief that the pack was once again in tact. This time it was a family falling asleep...something that was new, and extraordinarily comforting, to ALL of us!

--T. Lister-Looker

Transition Plan, Visits and "Momma," Oh My! (Catching Up-Part 2)

Before I go any further with writing this blog I want to make a public statement that I promise to have more frequent updates...at least weekly. I'm almost caught up with the back story (I have one more lengthy post about our home visit), so by early March I hope to be on a more regular schedule with postings. Thank you for your patience, and happy reading!!!

Transition Plan

As we started to create a transition plan with the social worker, our main concern was whether it would be in the best interest of the children to come down and live with us ASAP, when another hearing was scheduled for March 8th and re-unification with one or both of the parents was still on the table. It didn't make sense to Jim or I to have the children bounced around from one home to another. But after speaking to several people in Washoe County; the social worker, the children's therapist, and the District Attorney representing the case, they unanimously agreed that placing the children with us right away would be the best thing for them. At this point it was also pretty clear that neither parent would be improving their situation dramatically enough to warrant placement with them. Even after the judge ordered a three month extension on the parent's behalf she was doubtful it would make a difference for either one of them.

After going back and forth a couple of times with Washoe County in developing a transition plan we had finally reached a decision. Jim and I would travel up to Reno on December 10th to spend a few days with the kids, then they would fly down to Palm Springs in early January for a few days to have a home visit with us, and by the third or fourth week of January they would be in our home permanently! As you know, sometimes the best laid plans don't always happen. Since we were driving up to Reno we had a keen eye on the weather as it looked like a blizzard was going to pass over northern Nevada and dump several feet of snow. Since the snow storm was becoming inevitable (remember, you can't fool mother nature...even if she does wear a moo-moo and has daisies in her hair) we decided it best to cancel our trip and reschedule it for right after Christmas...and this time we would fly! With that, we flew up to Reno on December 28th and returned on December 31st.

Reno Visit

Once we landed we checked into our hotel (Harrah's in downtown Reno) to relax for a bit before we drove out to where the children had been living for the past year. We met up with the social worker and followed her out to the foster home. During the drive Jim and I wondered if the kids would remember us, since it had been a little over five months when we saw them last. As we pulled into the snow covered driveway we could see their little faces against the window and pointing at us. As soon as we walked into the mobile home Angelica's face lit up and ran over to give us hugs! We were greeted by Ronald saying, "Hi Thomas, Hi Jim! Did you bring me present?" They really did remember us, because in July we did bring them presents, but this trip we were empty handed. For a moment I think our popularity dipped just a little. But what we did bring with us were pictures of the two of us, as well as one of Humphrey, or as Ronald said, "Humpy!" Angelica used the more generic term of "puppy." Since Humphrey is about 7 years old (he's a rescue so we're not certain of his actual age) I'm sure he likes being referred to as a "puppy."

That evening we observed their night time ritual of having dinner and taking baths. We had learned that they both go to bed between 6:30-7:00pm and usually wake up twelve hours later!!! I think Jim and I were giving each other a mental high-five! The children had been working with a therapist in the home on a weekly basis since August, and she was there as well to give Jim and I some valuable insight into their progress and what works, and doesn't work, in correcting behavioral issues. The therapist (Kim) was extremely helpful during our visit, and continues to be a valuable resource to us! We agreed to be back at the foster home the next day at 9:00am to pick up the children and spend the entire day with them. So that night we left the foster home around 7:00pm a little more tired than when we arrived, and with an abundance of information we were still trying to process. Happy hour had been delayed by two hours...we had some catching up to do!

The next morning we got in a workout--we should have been reserving our energy--and loaded up on Starbucks! Heading out to the foster home that morning, I have to admit, I was a little nervous--okay, a lot nervous--about all sorts of things! This would be my first time driving around with two little ones in car seats (and it was snowing), making sure they were being taken care of, and having to change diapers! Who was in charge of making the decision that I/we were prepared to be doing this?!?! It was too late to turn back now because we had arrived at the foster home, and once again Ronald and Angelica were at the window waiting for us. A wave of anxiety passed by and gently caressed the sandy beach, rather than crashing hard against jagged rocks.

"Momma"

When we walked into the mobile home we were greeted enthusiastically. Ronald said, "I go with Thomas and Jim." And as soon as Angelica made eye contact with us her face lit up and she giggled with glee. She immediately ran over to me, wrapped her arms tightly around my knees, threw her head back and looked up at me with her big, brown eyes, and long eyelashes, and screamed "Momma!" The therapist was also there and said, "Well, I guess that has been decided now!" The next wave of anxiety had dissolved even before hitting the shore.

After spending almost an hour in the foster home it was time to load up the kids in the car and take off on our adventure. It's somewhat challenging to come up with kid-friendly activities when there's snow on the ground, it's freezing outside, and you're in a city where the main industry is gambling. But, we did find a kid zone in an arcade at a hotel/casino, which meant we had to pass by dozens of slot machines first (neither Jim or I are gamblers). Once we arrived at the "gymboree" apparatus it was interesting to watch the two of them in this environment. First, they ran off into separate directions as though the other didn't even exist. Second, Angelica seems to have no fear when it comes to climbing, rolling and sliding on anything she can get her little body onto. When it was time to leave it took some extra time to wrangle up both of them--kind of like trying to catch two chickens in a huge hen house! We had to get them lunch then take Angelica to her speech and occupational therapy appointment that afternoon. Oh, and somewhere in there we had our first diapers t0 change--Jim stepped up and did the first one, I just stood there and provided commentary like, "Ewwww...gross...I don't know if I can do this." The other thing we learned is when you have kids you need to add on a minimum of fifteen minutes because little feet and legs don't move as fast as you think, and you need to build in wrestling time with the car seats.

After Angelica's appointment, which ended up being 2 hours long (one hour of speech therapy, and one hour of occupational therapy), we decided to take the kids back to our hotel room to hang out until it was time to take them back to their foster home in time for dinner. Through their eyes our hotel room was "gymboree--part two" because there was bouncing on the beds, throwing pillows, and climbing on every piece of furniture in the room filled with giggles and belly laughs! And what we thought was Angelica playing hide and seek in the corner of the room turned out to be her taking a big dump in her diaper (diaper change #2--my turn!). When we told them it was time to go Ronald said, "I want to stay, Thomas and Jim." It was apparent they both enjoyed spending time with us, which is a very good thing! But when we tried to explain it was time for us to take them back to their foster home, Ronald immediately dropped his head and checked out for a few minutes. We tried telling him we'd be back in the morning to spend the day with them again, but that didn't help much.

Overall I would say our first full day with the kids went well, for all of us. But when we got back to the foster home in time for their dinner we were both exhausted! And once 6:00pm rolled around we were more than ready to get back to our hotel, have dinner, a couple of glasses of wine, and go to bed...and not necessarily in that order!

Day Two

The morning of day two started out the same as day one--a workout, LOTS of coffee, and getting to the foster home by 9:00am. Once again, the children were excited to see us, as we were to see them. The therapist was there as well so we reviewed everything that happened the previous day. Ronald kept saying, "I go with Thomas and Jim," and Angelica kept coming over to both of us for hugs. It was really heartwarming and sweet to see how attached the children were becoming to us. We left the foster home by 10:00am and continued on our journey in becoming future parents.

We decided to go to a "family fun center" (basically another "gymboree" type place) where there were multiple activities under one roof. When we first arrived it wasn't very crowded, but one hour later there were kids all over the place. As I looked around at all of the kids, and all of their parents, it was at this moment that I could honestly see Jim and I as parents as well. Maybe it was the way I watched Jim play with Ronald, or how he would keep an eye out for Angelica (she'll bump into something or fall down without any notice), that made me realize we could do this, and there wasn't any other person I would want by my side to parent with. Or maybe it was the way other parents were looking at us, as though we belonged, or maybe it was because we really stood out in the crowd as two same-sex parents. Or maybe they were trying to send us telepathic messages, "Don't do it! Your lives will never be the same! Next stop is Chuck E. Cheese!"

After the kids were done playing and eating lunch it was time to visit grandma (my mom), their older half sister (age 19) and brother (age 17) , and their nephew (who is almost two years old). Believe it or not, because of the (crazy) family dynamics, Ronald and Angelica are already an uncle and aunt! We had a nice visit at grandma's place, and Jim got to witness the folded paper towels everywhere (if you've read or seen my play, "In the Fold" then you'll appreciate this reference). Afterwards, we went over to the social services offices to have a meeting with the social worker and the therapist to review the past 2 1/2 days, and to discuss the upcoming home visit in two weeks. By this time we were both pretty exhausted...I think Jim more than me, which was evident by him practically melting into his chair and struggling to stay awake and be an active participant in the conversation. The past couple of days were a lot of fun, but for two men who aren't used to being around young children for extended periods of time, we were definitely wiped out! We kept reminding ourselves that when we have them in Palm Springs for a home visit it won't be like this because we'll be able to entertain them in our house (note to self...thoroughly childproof the home).

After our meeting we took the children back to their foster home. The drive home was bittersweet because we had become quite attached to these two little people...hearing them laugh, holding their little hands, and cracking jokes. One of my favorite memories is while driving in the car Jim created a cartoon voice and with it asked Ronald if he was a "stinky skunk." Ronald replied back with, "I'm not a 'kinky kunk' you are!" Then I started to laugh, and Angelica started to laugh, and before you knew it the car was filled with laughter. But at the same time, Jim and I were both looking forward to getting back to our hotel room, having dinner, enjoying a couple of glasses of wine and going to sleep!

It was tough leaving the kids at the foster home that night, especially when Ronald kept saying he wanted to "go with Thomas and Jim." Or he would say, "I see you tomorrow." In our best adult to child translation we tried to explain that we had to go back to our home the next day but that very soon he and Angelica would be getting on an airplane to come down and visit us and to meet Humphrey! To a child two weeks can seem like a life time, but for two men, one barely hanging on to his late thirties, while the other is knee deep into his mid forties, two weeks is just right around the corner!

--T. Lister-Looker

Playing Catch Up (part one)...

It's been a while since we've done a post, what with the holidays (always a good excuse!), planning a wedding, getting things ready for my play reading, "In the Fold," and continuing our preparations for the children...who has time to write? But because our dear friend Chuck, who has gently been nudging us, I'm finally sitting down to update everyone on the latest developments. So make yourself a cup of tea, or pour a glass of wine, and get some tissues (Chuck!), and settle in for what I hope will be a good read!

After the home inspection Jim and I attended a Kinship Adoption class, which was a total of twelve hours of classroom time over four weeks. Even though this wasn't a requirement for us, since we would be fostering/adopting relatives, both of us wanted something a little more tangible, especially since we had never been parents before. We showed up for our first class at the Riverside County Social Services offices in Indio, CA. For those not familiar with the Palm Springs area, Indio is about 25 miles east of Palm Springs and has a large Latin population. There were a couple of things we noticed right away. The most obvious was that we were pretty much the only Caucasians in the group, and we were definitely the only same sex couple. It seemed the educating was going to extend past "kinship adoption." As everyone went around the room to make introductions we quickly realized we were the only couple who did not have children living with them already. Everyone else in the class (mostly grandparents) already had their child/children and were in transition to adopt. Is it weird to be attending a kinship adoption class and feel that other people are envious of you because you don't have kids?

During our first break we had two grandparents approach us to ask if it was permissible for people who have "partners" to foster/adopt. During the introductions Jim and I introduced ourselves as the partner of the other, so the use of "partners" became code word for "gay." Within the first hour of class we had already educated other members of the group that "partner" can be synonymous with "gay," and that gay people can foster/adopt children in the state of California! Only eleven more hours to go. It could have been worse, we could have been required to take the standard courses to become foster parents, which is 32 hours of classes. All joking aside, everyone in the class was delightful and we all had a good time during the four weeks we were together (Jim got to miss the last class because grad school had started).

In addition to all of the paperwork and classes, we also had to get fingerprinted, take a CPR and First Aid course (Jim was already certified), and follow-up diligently with our social worker. It all paid off though because by the end of October we had received our official letter from Riverside County stating we were approved to be foster parents...Yay! We had finished the entire process in just under three months. Another version of the letter was delivered to Washoe County, which was perfect timing since there was a court hearing on November 9th in Reno for a judge to determine if the parents would continue to work their re-unification plan or if terminating parental rights (TPR) would get underway.

On November 9th we received a call from the social worker in Reno telling us the hearing had been postponed until December 1st because the public defender for my sister (the biological mother) was going on maternity leave and there needed to be a replacement. Additionally, the biological father was apparently having major conflicts with his attorney (no surprise there) so a new one had to be assigned and have time to get caught up with the case. If you've ever been involved in any type of a legal matter then you know that things rarely get accomplished on the dates they are supposed to. It seems that if a judge gets a hangnail then that is sufficient reason to have a hearing postponed.

Several days prior to December 1st I received a request to speak with my sister's public defender. I checked with the social worker in Reno to find out if this is something that was on the "up and up." After checking with her district attorney she said it was up to me if I wanted to speak with the public defender or not. Jim and I talked about this and I thought "why not" give her a shout and have a little insight into what is going on with the other side. I ended up calling her right before Thanksgiving and got her voicemail. When I didn't hear back from her by the day before the hearing I thought the conversation wouldn't happen after all. Never under estimate an attorney, especially if they're from the opposing side. About two hours before the hearing was scheduled to begin she called me back. Was she just too busy or was this part of her strategy? "I submit that the circumstantial evidence suggests strategy, your honor!" The conversation went okay...it wasn't the best phone conversation I've had, and it certainly wasn't the worst. However, it was the first time I've spoken to an attorney while wearing my bath robe!

The hearing was scheduled to begin at 10:20am. So throughout the day we kept waiting for a phone call or an e-mail from the social worker to let us know how things went. It wasn't until around 3:30pm that my cell phone rang with a 775 area code...this was the call. I'll spare you all of the specifics of the call, because to be quite honest it took about four days to really get a good handle on what actually transpired during the hearing. The net-net of it all is the judge was giving the biological parents a three month extension to continue to work their re-unification plans, even though the judge said she didn't think it was going to make a difference. Normally when there is an extension it's usually for six months, so the fact this was only for three months was actually a good sign. However, the judge also concurrently ordered the County to prepare the termination of parental rights paperwork and have it ready to be submitted at the next hearing date, which gives some indication that the judge feels TPR is very likely. But most importantly, the judge granted placement of the children with Jim and I. At first we thought placement wouldn't happen until after March 8th (the next hearing date), but we quickly learned that the County wanted to place the children in our home as soon as possible. It was time to put together a transition plan, and very quickly!

--T. Lister-Looker