After my conversation with the social worker, Jim and I had the "do you want kids" conversation. Truth be told, having children was not on the radar, or even a blip on the edge of the radar screen for the two of us. For me, I had been somewhat open minded that if I ever met someone who had a child(ren) that it wouldn't be an automatic "no" to dating them...but, truth-be-told, I wasn't seeking out someone who really fit that profile either. Additionally, being a gay man and approaching my mid-forties I felt that my "biological clock" had come to a screeching halt and my days of parenthood had faded away. But when it involves your immediate family the perspective shifts. This isn't directed at my sister and her personal predicament, but rather for the two young children, who by no fault of their own, have had their lives and any sense of stability and normalcy quickly derailed. For me, it was important to remain open-minded and not be too quick to make a decision one way or another. I needed to do some soul searching, gather the facts, and talk to some people. Maybe there was a reason why I was living directly across the street from an elementary school. In all the places I've lived, and there have been quite a few, I have never been in such close proximity to a school...maybe it was a sign?!
As more time went by, Jim and I had the opportunity to discuss this important topic on several occasions...at the dining room table, in the pool, over a glass of wine, or whenever we would hear a screaming/crying child in the grocery store or at Target! We could never come up with a valid reason for not stepping in and being considered as foster/adoptive parents. Granted, our relationship was relatively new at this point (we had been dating for about 3 months), but we had a 9 year history between us, and we are, without a doubt, both relationship oriented and already very committed to one another! But were we family and kid oriented??? This would certainly bring an abundance of change, not only to our relationship, but also as individuals. Now just because I'm using the word "change" doesn't mean it's a bad thing...quite the contrary. It would be a change unlike anything either one of us ever thought we would experience in our lives...the opportunity to build a family with two young children, and to provide them with a stable and loving environment, which they deserve to have in their lives...just as every child deserves to have that.
But growing up as a gay man the idea of having a family is something that was held off way in the distance...practically non-existent. This is partly because society dictates (and most religions) that a family is to only be created between a man and a woman, and nurtured by a father and a mother. Jim and I are both products of divorces and have subsequently been raised by a single parent, or have been bounced back and forth between parents. Then there is the re-marriage and step-siblings and/or half-siblings that get folded into the family dynamic. But wait a minute, there are parents that don't even get married, or before the child is born there is only one parent while the other is absent indefinitely. Twenty five to thirty years ago there weren't any gay family role models for a pubescent, voice cracking, and sexually confused fourteen year old. We didn't have a Will & Grace back then, and everyone was led to believe that Liberace and Elton John were bisexual...give me a break! So, times have definitely changed, and having same-sexed parents is not that unusual anymore. Rosie O'Donnell and her spouse, Kelli, have an entire business, R Family Vacations that caters to same-sex parental families, and their friends and families, for cruises and events. Yes, it's a different world out there, but there is still room for a lot of improvements, such as legalizing gay marriage and allowing single gays and lesbians, as well as same-sex couples to adopt children in EVERY state! What seems to be forgotten in this debate is what is best for the child(ren). I think it's pretty simple...they want to feel safe and secure, they desire stability, and crave loving parent(s). Having two moms or two dads should be considered a bonus!
At this point it's safe to assume that we decided to go forward with the process...but we wanted to meet the kids first!
--Thomas
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A Little History
In early May 2009 I received a letter from the Department of Social Services--Children's Services of Washoe County (covering Reno, Nevada) asking me to contact a social worker about an URGENT matter! As soon as I saw "Department of Social Services" on the return address of the envelope I was pretty sure this had something to do with my sister, who is 4 years younger than me. As I unfolded the letter and saw "Children's Services" on the letterhead I immediately felt that whatever the URGENT matter was it probably had something to do with my sister's two youngest children.
As soon as Jim got home from work I called the social worker and was in fact notified that my sister's two youngest children, ages 4 and 2, had been in foster care since November 2008! I wasn't entirely shocked to hear this news...my sister, who is now 40 years old, has a long history of struggling to try and stay afloat. First with her two older children, ages 17 and 16 (a different father from the younger two), who hadn't been living with my sister for at least four years (not in foster care but with family and/or friends). Since having children my sister has always been on some kind of public assistance. What I was mostly shocked by is that this was the first time, in about six months, I was hearing about the unfortunate situation that my nephew and niece had been placed in. My mom, who also lives in Reno, hadn't said a word, but she and I had not been in communication with each other for about six months (that's another blog!).
The main reason for the social worker making contact was to see if I had any interest in becoming a foster/adoptive parent to both children in the event that the parental rights of the biological parents were to be terminated. She went on to explain that each parent has twelve months to achieve specific objectives, but if neither were to meet all of their objectives then the County would be required by law to submit a request to have the parental rights terminated. With just six months remaining the social worker was making calls to family members to see who might be interested.
The social worker wasn't able to provide details about the objectives each parent has to meet (this is confidential), but she was able to tell me the circumstances that the children were taken into protective custody and placed in foster care. In late October 2008 my sister was evicted from her apartment for not being able to pay the rent (even though she was in Section 8 housing) and ended up in a homeless shelter for women. She was given two weeks to try and land back on her feet and provide permanent housing for herself and the children, but as soon as that period of time elapsed the children were taken from her. Even though I'm not a parent (at least not yet) I can still imagine how horrible it must feel to know that you're not able to provide adequately for your children, and then to have them taken away from you. Ultimately, it's necessary to do what is best for the children and to look out for their best interests, but it doesn't numb the heartbreak that a parent must feel.
During this initial phone call I learned that Ronald (age 4) had been classified as a special needs child because he wasn't where he should be for his age developmentally, especially as it pertained to his speech and vocabulary. Angelica (age 2) was doing well, but there was a slight concern that she wasn't where she should be in terms of her own development either, although not as serious as Ronald. The social worker went on to explain that during the first month of placement the children were in a home where Spanish was primarily spoken, which as you can imagine wasn't the best environment for a child who was having challenges with the English language! With that, they were both moved to another foster home that has proven to be a better fit for them.
"Would you like to be considered?" the social worker asked me bluntly. I was taken aback at how casual the question was asked...it's not like I was having to choose between DirecTV and Time Warner Cable, or white versus red wine with dinner. This would be a life altering decision...continue to remain childless and carefree or focus on being a good parent for the rest of my life (and possible grandparent...yikes!). I told the social worker that I wanted to give this some serious consideration before making a decision and that I needed to discuss this with Jim as well. She was respectful of my request and we agreed to follow-up with each other in a couple of weeks. Needless to say I had a lot to think about, and a lot to discuss with Jim. Our relationship was relatively new at this point (although we had known each other for 9.5 years) and the "do you want to have kids" conversation hadn't happened yet. Guess what...we were about to have it!!!
---Thomas
As soon as Jim got home from work I called the social worker and was in fact notified that my sister's two youngest children, ages 4 and 2, had been in foster care since November 2008! I wasn't entirely shocked to hear this news...my sister, who is now 40 years old, has a long history of struggling to try and stay afloat. First with her two older children, ages 17 and 16 (a different father from the younger two), who hadn't been living with my sister for at least four years (not in foster care but with family and/or friends). Since having children my sister has always been on some kind of public assistance. What I was mostly shocked by is that this was the first time, in about six months, I was hearing about the unfortunate situation that my nephew and niece had been placed in. My mom, who also lives in Reno, hadn't said a word, but she and I had not been in communication with each other for about six months (that's another blog!).
The main reason for the social worker making contact was to see if I had any interest in becoming a foster/adoptive parent to both children in the event that the parental rights of the biological parents were to be terminated. She went on to explain that each parent has twelve months to achieve specific objectives, but if neither were to meet all of their objectives then the County would be required by law to submit a request to have the parental rights terminated. With just six months remaining the social worker was making calls to family members to see who might be interested.
The social worker wasn't able to provide details about the objectives each parent has to meet (this is confidential), but she was able to tell me the circumstances that the children were taken into protective custody and placed in foster care. In late October 2008 my sister was evicted from her apartment for not being able to pay the rent (even though she was in Section 8 housing) and ended up in a homeless shelter for women. She was given two weeks to try and land back on her feet and provide permanent housing for herself and the children, but as soon as that period of time elapsed the children were taken from her. Even though I'm not a parent (at least not yet) I can still imagine how horrible it must feel to know that you're not able to provide adequately for your children, and then to have them taken away from you. Ultimately, it's necessary to do what is best for the children and to look out for their best interests, but it doesn't numb the heartbreak that a parent must feel.
During this initial phone call I learned that Ronald (age 4) had been classified as a special needs child because he wasn't where he should be for his age developmentally, especially as it pertained to his speech and vocabulary. Angelica (age 2) was doing well, but there was a slight concern that she wasn't where she should be in terms of her own development either, although not as serious as Ronald. The social worker went on to explain that during the first month of placement the children were in a home where Spanish was primarily spoken, which as you can imagine wasn't the best environment for a child who was having challenges with the English language! With that, they were both moved to another foster home that has proven to be a better fit for them.
"Would you like to be considered?" the social worker asked me bluntly. I was taken aback at how casual the question was asked...it's not like I was having to choose between DirecTV and Time Warner Cable, or white versus red wine with dinner. This would be a life altering decision...continue to remain childless and carefree or focus on being a good parent for the rest of my life (and possible grandparent...yikes!). I told the social worker that I wanted to give this some serious consideration before making a decision and that I needed to discuss this with Jim as well. She was respectful of my request and we agreed to follow-up with each other in a couple of weeks. Needless to say I had a lot to think about, and a lot to discuss with Jim. Our relationship was relatively new at this point (although we had known each other for 9.5 years) and the "do you want to have kids" conversation hadn't happened yet. Guess what...we were about to have it!!!
---Thomas
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